It's time for me to learn

 Any time and this time could be best time for me to learn

stuffs

things

and such

I wasn’t good, I was bad often

Let me drown in the water once, then floats longer

I was dumb and worse once yet I am smarter a little more

Let me fall couple of times, then rise up more and more

I wasn’t good, I was bad often

I can do things sometimes, I skipped things more

I am brave, but scared somehow

What does turn me down, turn me up often

After all, the only option to continue living

Is to moving forward

I can't get stuck cause it wont bring me anywhere

I will have to take a step, always

Little by little to finally reach the designated place Quran has promised

Around May, 2020

LANGIT BIRU, PAGI HARI, DAN HARI ITU

Sebuah kombinasi pas yang baru aku temui

Senikmat kopi hangat terenak yang pernah ku pesan

Siapa yang sangka, ku akan memulai hari itu

Tubuhku saat itu bernafas lebih lapang

Mungkin dari udara pagi yang kuhirup lebih segar

Bisa juga dari langit biru itu

Cerahnya mewakili seisi langit yang menyapa

Merasa aneh, dari rangkaian hari ini

Tubuhku belum terlalu pandai membaca semesta

Terik matahari pagi yang memaksa

Untukku pergi melindungi jiwa

Tangerang Selatan, Maret 2020

-LL-

Surreptitious Prayer

Today my heart was flattered

my aunt called my uncle for me

he said like, I pray for you always, only you, all the best for you

in the middle of my working hour

it really touched my heart 

permeate thru my deepest soul

but I had to control myself

I gulped so hard 

holding back tears

right at the Ashar prayer

I finally burst into tears

hoping that Allah will repay the good deeds my uncle does to me

so does the other people out there

who pray for me

whether it's my friends, relatives, or the one who has prayed for me once

that's the sweetest human thing

He's pretty much the one who knew me well after my dad

knew all my story and such

It wasn't easy for me

but I know, out there, people are struggling way harder than me

I was just given a little.

Welcome 2021

Assalamualaikum. First post in 2021 is here finally!

The year has just turned into the 2nd month but it feels like I had as many stories as a year. This year began with the battle. Fighting against my ego, as well as the virus, striving to protect myself, my family, and relatives who had been infected from worse symptoms. For the record, this was the first time I literally jump right out of my comfort zone. The zone I hardly leave, this time I was forced to snap out of it. When I need time to be alone, detached, and out of reach, I was given that chance for an 'enough' time. It's like when I think I need a break from people and the world, here came that time. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

The world isn't just about you but the people surround you.

The Doors

 4 days to 2021

Can't wait to embrace a new beginning. New story and hopefully new chapter as well. 

2020 has been about the doors to me. Once a door has closed, God assured us there're another thousand doors open for you. Pretty much a guide in our map of life saying: not there, not that way. 

You'll be shown obviously the bright side. 

It's actually never a rejection door for you.

It's selectively lead you to your best road. You just have no idea. 

But My Lord knows things best. You could only figure out things this far, but Allah has figured beyond what humans can ever think of. So, why bother worrying?

Life is beautiful, so is the world honey.

... But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

 QS Al Baqarah : 216

South Tangerang, December 27th

My Emotion Teacher

In a world with full of ups and down

We should get used to rejection and denial

You wanna know what's better?

Having someone said rejection and denial in the first place

Rather than acceptance from someone in the beginning but ended up rejecting yourself or your ideas

Thanks to those persons who become my teacher who taught me that refusal

Turned out, they deserved an appreciation

Thanks for making it easier for me so I don't have to feel that fatigues from accepting

It builds my heart wider and wider so if there's any speck of stain, it won't break the whole milk (Indonesian proverb) 

Diri yang Masih Baru

28th Sept 2018

Kamu bilang hatimu seluas samudra

Pundakmu sekuat baja

Sudah dilakukan segala usaha

Tapi terhenti katamu apa daya

Tentang membuka hati berarti memulai

Membenahi dan memperbaiki diri

Terimakasih telah menghampiri

Hai sesosok yang menginspirasi

Katamu setiap orang datang ada maksud

Apapun itu ku yakin Allah Maha Tahu

Mungkin karna diri ini masih baru

Ku percayakan kepada Allah segala kelabu

The Froth of The Sea

me and my sin

as much as the froth over the sea

countless, spread, and exist

what an empty soul

not sure exactly what is good anymore

it's a mixture of hurting, blaming and much more

forget where to put things you can't control

the froth covers the clear pure water

as if making good scenery underneath unseen

while begging to the Almighty to wipe my froth

Allah is All Merciful, all I know

nonetheless, I realize the froth pretty much adds lesson to me

Finally to A Cave

Finally get to write again

Here I am, feel meaninglessly floating

Drifting by the wave finally to a cave

It was dark and didn't show a glimpse of light

Something told me to keep searching and looking

A clue that has been missing from the first place

After all the struggles, this lady was ultimately taking a step back ward

Saying, I give up

December 2nd, 2019

Lelah Lalu Lupa

Tiba tiba jarak, ruang dan waktu menjadi sirna

Bukan menjadi pilu apalagi sendu

Biar kuserahkan muaranya kepada rindu

Lelah yang datang seketika

Membuat lupa segala indra perasa

Sungguh ingin ku bermain dengan alam saja

Kalau waktunya tiba bisa lebih leluasa

Berdialog dengan alam yang luar biasa

Tangerang Selatan, 14 April 2020

Bukan Hari Ini

Tapi hari itu yang cerahnya menyinari hati

Hati yang terbuat dari baja

Perlahan menurun titik leburnya

Hati yang tak sekuat dulu

Tapi kukagumi pada jamannya

Hari itu atau hari ini

Serupa tapi berbeda

Apapun itu kuatlah hari ini

Agar keterbiasaan yang menguatkan hari yang lain

Tangerang Selatan, 7 April 2020

Fortun Favi Fortus, Dum Spiro Spero

meaning: bersemangat, bersabar, bertahanlah!

Back in August on my days off, I went to Jogja city to (again) find tranquility. Turned out, the very first destination on my itinerary was this fancy coffee shop. Never thought that I and my cousin were the only visitors upstairs. We chatted and took some photos candidly. At the corner, there were these words written in the neon light which really appealing and saying, Dum Spiro Spero. 

Not forgetting to take those words and me in one picture then updated it a couple of days after. I just looked out the meaning right before I posted it. Then, here comes the reason why I got to visit that place on the first itinerary.

Dum Spiro Spero means While I Breathe, I Hope. 

I surprisingly found that tranquility pill at the first moment I was in Jogja. I think it told me: no matter how bad things happen to you, as long as you still breathe, you can always hope. Trust your hope. Just don't worry. Put your highest hope to The Almighty Allah, Rabbul 'Alamin. 

That words strengthen my bond with my hopes upon the sky. The hopes I forgot I once wrote before. It emphasizes myself to never let go off the hope. 

Pom Bensin

Suatu hari ketika lagi nunggu isi BBM di pom bensin, September 2018.

Terlihat ada jalur antrian untuk mengisi BBM kendaraan roda dua dan roda empat. Motor, dengan antrian yang panjang, pengisisannya lebih cepat, sehingga flow nya cepat. Sedang mobil walau hanya satu-dua antrian, butuh waktu lama hingga tangkinya penuh terisi. 

Hidup itu kadang seperti menjadi motor, kadang menjadi mobil. Bisa jadi cepat diisi BBM nya, sesuai kapasitas motor. Sedangkan kalau mobil harus butuh waktu untuk bisa diisi sampai full, karena mobil kapasitasnya besar, butuh tenaga lebih banyak, sehingga punya nilai guna lebih banyak pula.

Ibarat mobil itu diri ini, diri kita yang besar. Besar kapabilitas diri, berbesar hatinya, luas terbuka pikirannya, kuat mentalnya. Semoga kita kearah sana. Pribadi masa depan yang lebih baik yang selalu diidam-idamkan diri ini yang kemarin. Butuh waktu untuk terbentuk menjadi pribadi yang besar bukan?

Semua ada jalurnya masing-masing dan waktunya masing-masing, bukan?

- dasar diriku, yang terlalu lama hidup di (per)jalanan. 

Teruslah

 

Jangan kau terpaku

Dari hal yang membuat kau terbelenggu

Tapi berjanjilah

Teruslah melangkah

Walau sang harap lelah menuntun arah

Lewat Kata

Suka banget sama kata-kata yang menyejukkan hati pembacanya. Apalagi kalo lagi baca sesuatu kemudian ngerasa pas sama yang sedang dialami, feel so much relate. Salut banget sama penulis yang bisa menerjemahkan isi hati yang gak pernah terucap. 

I personally belief the power from the words. Bisa menebas dan membangun mood dengan mudahnya. Bisa memotivasi atau miskomunikasi. Jadi hati-hati. Pernah ku buka buku catatan sekolah adikku, tertulis pepatah Arab: 

"Perkataan itu dapat menembus apa yang tidak bisa ditembus oleh jarum"

Sebagaimana Rasulullah SAW pernah bersabda, "Setiap ucapan Bani Adam membahayakan dirinya kecuali kata-kata berupa amar ma'ruf dan nahi mungkar serta berdzikir kepada Allah." (HR. Tirmidzi)

Semoga kita bisa menghiasi lisan kita dengan kebaikan dan banyak mengingat Allah SWT.

Menjaga lisan kecuali dalam kebaikan bukan?

"Ayo bisa-bisa", ujar teman yang menyemangati ketika sedang lelah-lelahnya mendaki bukit itu.
Ya, kekuatan itu datang lewat kata.

Belajar dan seterusnya

November 12th, 2019

Hari ini makmuman sama ibuk2 di klinik.. Tadinya mau solat sendiri, eeh ko ibuknya kaya mau ngajakin tapi nggak juga, lalu kubilang, "bareng ya bu.."
Trus beliau bilang, "iya, saya lagi kurang sehat"
.
Lalu dimulailah dengan khidmat dibacakannya surat Al-fatihah dengan lirihnya, suara yang terputus, seolah hampir pecah jadi tangis, namun sendu dalam, dan merasuk.
.
Langsunglah ngerasa bersalah, jadi kayak ngerepotin yaa kalau jadi bareng gini. Di sisi lain ngerasa salut juga, ditengah kondisinya yang lagi sakit, kayaknya tenggorokannya, tetap bisa se-khidmat itu.
.
Trus keinget, orang sakit aja masih disuruh solat. Jadi kalo sehat, ya jangan sampe gak solat. Orang sakit juga makin berlipat pahalanya insyaAllah, karena udah sabar sama sakitnya, dan karena ikhtiarnya untuk solat berdiri jika mampu.
Terlebih lagi, orang sakit aja bisa se-khidmat dan se-khusyuk itu, kalah weh. Orang sehat jangan mau kalah khidmat dan khusyuk okeh?
.
Nikmat yang paling sering kita terlupa adalah nikmat sehat dan nikmat waktu luang.
.
Mungkin disitulah kesempatan lagi lebar lebarnya dibuka untuk beribadah seluas luasnya.
.
Trus liat status seseorang yg lagi dalam kondisi berat yang bilang, ya Allah peluklah aku sebentar saja.
Huhuu siapa yang gak mau dipeluk sama Allah 😭😭

Be Grateful

August 1st, 2019

Have been wandering around hospital for these last 4 months.
And that's the best place to seek gratitude.

If you say you're at the lowest point in your life
You're gonna take those words until you see those person in hospital
The one whose nose was attached to a pipe
The one whose breath was helped by ventilator
The one whose head was bandaged post operation
The one whose skins were stiched

And the picture of a woman took care of her husband, and how a man really took care of his wife, accompanied by her daughter.
Or a child lean on her mother's arm.
Or an old man sat in a wheelchair, accompanied by his sons.

It really is a struggle. Pure sacrifice. Purest love spreads with sincerity.
And surely, heaps of patience surrounded around those hearts.

Somehow all leads to a goal which, i wanna be there for the people i love, my future husband, kids, parents and myself. I have to. Who doesn't?

Until one time I went on mushola, the prayer room, i saw this one man who had difficulties on praying. My tear stream couldn't even be held anymore.

Like how if, after all these eases we got, Allah choose to take the ease to pray.

That must have been hard.

How if, after all these years we're living, we can't get closer to Allah at our elder time, at the very ending of this life.

Like, how, if?

Hopefully we're always be surrounded by the ease of praying, halawatul iman, ease of getting hidayah from Allah SWT.

Mau kan, menang?

Lalu bagaimana caranya bisa menang?

Ternyata kemenangan itu kusadari

Bisa diraih kalau kau bisa berdiri

Tak peduli seberapa banyak luka dari kau terjatuh

Ternyata kemenangan itu

Bukan comparing to others

Apalagi competing to others

Tapi terhadap diri ini sendiri

Asal kau bisa mengalahkan musuh dalam kepalamu

That’s the time when you win

Maka kau, menang

Mau kan, menang?

Thank you, Time

Afterall I’ve been through,

Definitely would like to thank time, for teaching me how, and bigger HOW in comprehending and accepting the fact in this life

Giving me patient lesson, more than I ever imagine

Seeking for a value in every little thing I thought I’d missed

With time, I started to know that it doesn’t take few time to finally see the whole problem

Gathering some proofs and adequate data wouldn’t be completed without time

Til finally, here comes the point where you eventually realize which way you choose

To finally make a step

Brand new one, heavy but strong one